Winner Of Republican Debate Declared To Be Anyone Who Didn’t Watch The Republican Debate

According to several polls, millions and millions of Americans skipped watching last night’s Republican debate, leading most commentators to declare those people the undisputed winners of the debate. “The millions of people who decided to watch something else, or maybe go to bed, instead of watching these 8 candidates debate each other for 2 excruciating hours are the true geniuses here,” said Fox News anchor Bret Baier.

“Why didn’t I think of that? Why do I attend these things year after year? What am I doing with my life?”

The respected anchor then dismissed himself to go outside and weep bitterly.

According to the losers who actually watched, Republicans argued for over two hours over who was the best candidate to send billions to Ukraine, keep abortion legal, and pretend to believe in global warming. “That’s two hours of my life… just gone…” said one Fox News viewer from Fargo ND. “I should’ve watched reruns of Friends, or stuck my face in a hornet’s nest. What was I thinking?”

At publishing time, officials from Ukraine had expressed disagreement with American commentators, instead declaring the winner to be Mike Pence.

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